War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Big things happened. V and I went for dinner at 1am on the 7th of November and it literally ended in bloodshed. He was bleeding so bad and I was too shocked to react. Staring incident. I've never been involved in a fight before and it totally freaked me out. The police came down and took statements and all. The two of us still managed to laugh about it afterwards. Little did i know that it was going to get a lot worse when his friends found out. They're all absolutely unhappy with me. One of them even told me in my face that he wouldn't hesitate to slap me and ask me to fuck off. All this with me in the middle right opposite Aishu's block. I've never had a stronger urge to get up, and walk away from V's life for good. I'm not his kind of girl. He's not my kind of guy. Looking at it logically, we can't get along if I didn't give in. I always give in. I'm extremely patient these days thanks to him and his temper. So yesterday, after his friends were done playing mind games with me, I exploded. Nesh went on about how his 27year old girlfriend comes all the way from Pasir Ris to see him at TPY if she can't get him through the phone. I'm sorry but I'm not desperate. I can't do that for any guy and well, I won't. Simply because if I want, I can get someone who's willing to let me be the Alpha and doesn't mind sufferring as the Beta. But that'd make me exactly like him. Looking for someone to assert himself on. Seriously, men who hit women are cowards. You take it out on the physically weaker sex but you still need us by your side because we're the emotionally stronger ones. To Nesh's Wife-to-be, I feel sorry for you because you're a defeated woman. You're a disgrace to all women and Nesh did not make any sense to me when he brought you into the picture because frankly my dear, you don't have my respect. What Nesh tried to do was make me feel guilty. Honestly, I am guilty that V got into a fight because of me and well, for me in some sense. I'm upset because he got hurt and when I tried to get inbetween I got pushed aside by the guys. I feel like I was hopeless that night and it was in total my fault. I feel this way despite the fact that it was V's temper that drove him to punch the guy. Not my instigation. So in some sense, I'm absorbing the blame just to make him feel a little better. Yes, I try very hard to please him because I don't want to fight with him. Because I really care about him. I make me him happy because he thinks it weird and yet amzaing that I can smile my way through everything! Well, I used to be able to at least. I can't seem to look at him and smile genuinely now. I just can't. He begged me not to put up a false smile but I couldn't help it. He claims I'm punishing him. So be it. I've been punished enough for being myself. They can take the guilt around a while. Fighting with me is pointless because I don't argue without analysing the entire situation. Most of the time I'm just really quiet when I get yelled at but at the end, I finish the conversation. It's an Indian habit to immediately show your anger. Show it without thinking. Call me what you want to but I don't mind being the kind of person who thinks a thousand times before picking a fight. Why? Because I'm a human being and I have an ego. I don't want to lose. I hate losing. I'd rather avoid the fight then to get into it and lose. War, is never the solution to anything. All the wars that we've fought throughou history, from the Mughals to the Nazis have ended in bloodshed and unrest. Any of these wars proved either parties involved right or wrong? Nope. It instead, shows us the stronger party. The ones that have more will power to keep fighting for their rights while the weaker party waves the flag. For everything that happens, there's always a way around. Violence and verbal abuse are never the only choices. Yesterday ended with Nesh trying to suck up to me and in a way to V and well. I couldn't be bothered. We had to go pick his girlfriend from her house in pasir ris and then head back to tpy and make our way to my place. Sometimes, I pity V. Driving around is never easy and isn't always pleasant. On top of that, we keep having to pick up the damsel who's constantly in distress. Which is really frustrating because it doesn't make sense to try and pacify a 27 year old cow about silly things like Nesh not calling her every 5 minutes to tell her where he is etc. He's 24 and like me in a lot of ways. He hates losing but he loves a fight. He loves to nagnagnag without assessing the things he said. Honestly, I thought I was finished yesterday. I was starting to become very rude and was on the verge of throwing out everything I had to say. But I didn't. Only because he's very important to V. Way more important than I am to him. Nesh is also extremely witty. Sadly for him, my wit has no end either. I think in their world, they don't see many strong women. They see women who are uncultured and don't know how to carry themselves. They see women who are needy. The moment an independent girl comes along, they feel threatened. How to do you tie down someone who clearly has the upper hand? Time for Indian men to change thier mentality. Women are not your punching bags and baby making machines. You can throw old fashioned minds into the drain. I really like V but I'm going to set him an ultimatum simply because I can't keep being Little Miss Sunshine. Just 1 more incident, and I'm leaving. It's going to hurt but it won't hurt as much as how my pride and ego get hurt dealing with men who believe women are several steps below them. I think I've had enough of swalloing my pride. I can't pretend to not care. No one should. So girls, speak up. Don't let the men get away feeling satisfied. If he's asking you to change and mould to his liking, ask him to make love with play dough or something. I'm sure that'd be better because it's according to his preferrence.
I think I've ranted enough for now. I'm extremely sleepy so i'll blog again later tonight. I got this text from Singtel's Inspire me service this morning. I have a brain and a uterus and I used both. Nicer way of saying that men are pretty darn stupid with a brain and a dick anf still no control over either!
LoveLots
