* MANNEQUIN

falling all over.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I'm falling. I think, in love and apart. I can't seem to get enough of him. He's hurt me so badly. And I feel like there's no way I can show my frustration. 3 nights ago, something big happened. Like really big. Lotsa words and well, lotsa action. Everything turned sour and I really thought that I'd lost him. I was scared, confused and in a whole lot of pain. Physical pain I can take but when it comes to the heart, my facade fades. I'm not that strong. Men normally make me feel invincible. But with him, I can't. I just can't feel so strong. I feel weak, incapable and needy. I hate fighting with him but somehow, I feel that in time to come, these fights will become the norm. Still, the thought makes me shudder. 2 nights ago, we cleared things after another heated argument. However, after he picked me up from work and sent me back, another argument arose. I got off the bike and looked him in the eye and asked him if he wanted this to end.
Silence.
I told him I couldn't take the fighting anymore and that I told him I didn't want this from the start. Now that we're so far into it, all this had to happen. It's like I asked for my heart to crash and burn. Love is not for me. I've told him that before. We're alike in many ways from our temper to our sense of humour and even taste in clothes. But this alikeness has finally showed it's ugly side. A man and a woman who have so much in common will never last. Never. So much ego, so much anger. I told him that night that I can't see any love in his eyes. Only hate and resentment. Even a touch of vengence somewhere. More silence. I thought it was the final goodbye. That we were not meant to come so far at all. But it wasn't. He softened. His face softened. I love the way his face softens. It makes him look like he's 20 and still optimistic about life. I adore everything about him. one of the major fights we had was because of this blog. I didn't want to view it with him. instead I asked him to view it himself. My mistake. He thought I had something to hide. Yes I admit i've taken out my frustrations here a lot but I've never said anything bad about him.
Not even once.
Because frankly, I feel like I can't do without him in my life for now. Now and the time to come.
LoveLots.

twilight.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

It's here again.. Um.. Yay? No. No yay. If you didn't know, I hate twilight and I'm going to tell you why.

1) Robert Pattinson does not look hot in the movie - he looks fucking sick like he has AIDS or something. I'm almost ashamed to like Robert Pattinson because of his horrible acting job in Twilight. I had to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire over and over in an attempt to convince myself that yes, Robert Pattinson CAN act, and yes he wasn't always a dazzling hobo.

2) Bella looks like she's high on crack throughout the movie. Speaking of which she probably was because Kristin's a pot head.

3) Vampires are supposed to burn in sunlight, not fucking glow and glitter. That's just gay.

4) Boyfriends who follow girls home, break into their rooms, and watch them sleep are not romantic or sweet. They're fucking creepy.

Read the book? Liked it? You probably have not read that many books then. Stephanie Meyer has the vocabulary that of a 12 year old's. She probably only use 500 words to write the entire book. I could name 20 people I know who can write better than her. She went on for like 500 pages on how pretty Edward is. Gay much. If you think about it the Twilight series are just a prefectly punctuated fanfictions. If you're an absolute Twilight fangirl and are fuming by the time you see this, you'd probably have this overwhelming urge to tell me that Stephanie Meyer is an awesome writer and Twilight is a masterpiece. Well, I've got 6 words for ya - Jane Austen, Mark Twain, Micheal Crichton.

Revethi.

censor this _|_

I watched Paranormal Activity on Saturday with Jolyn. Awesome movie. I wouldn't call it the scariest movie ever like some of the reviews because I didn't find the movie scary - I found it creepy. Very creepy. You guys should go watch it, that is if you're above 16, which brings me to my title to the post.

Paranormal Activity was rated NC16 because it contains and I quote, "Disturbing Scenes & Coarse Language." I personally did not find any disturbing scenes but maybe it's just me. 2012 is rated PG13 for "Intense Sequences & Disturbing Scenes." So I'm guessing Paranormal Activity's NC16 rating was largely because of the 'coarse language.' Which is very amusing because the only vulgarities or vulgarity used in the movie was 'fuck,' unless you consider 'shit' a vulgarity. I've seen and heard 10 year olds use the word and I'm pretty sure they know the meaning of it too. So really, it's almost ridiculous, the rating. It's not just this one movie. If you were a movie buff like me at the tender age of 14, you would know how annoying it is not being able to watch movies you know you'd love but you can't because of some rodiculous rating.

If you think about it, laxing the rating system would help reduce the rate of piracy. Let's face it, if you can't watch it in the theatre, you're going to download it or watch it online or get a RM5 pirated dvd. MDA should really try and revise the rating system.

Revethi

you may ask what I'm up to..

Monday, November 16, 2009

I haven't updated in a while and this post isn't one. I just dropped by to tell you guys that I'm busy with assignments and tests. In fact, I'm working on an assignment right now. I've got 5 tabs open, one of which obviously is blogger and the other four are on Ossification. Bleagh. Okay I'm going to get back to that. Hope this song will cover ya till I'm back again.

Revethi.

miss ineedmoresleepnow.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hello everyone. I got home at like 4am this morning and I woke up at 515pm, which was exactly 47mins or so ago. No one let me sleep in peace though. I got like a gazillion calls and texts. Like seriously a lot. I looked back at my call log just now and realised that I must have been too exhausted to even stir cause I didn't hear the phone once. The only time I heard it was when V called in a frantic voice. He lost his gold ear stud while walking me home just now. So I dragged myself out of bed and went hunting for it downstairs, all this half awake. Thank God I managed to find it within like 10mins of looking. Texted him saying his stud is safe with me and not to call me back because I seriously need some sleep. Which isn't really fair on my part because he sent me home at 4am and left for work at 430am. He's still not home after work I think. So anyway, I think things are clearing up with him. But I can't say for sure because our characters are so different that you never know the other's reaction to a situation until it actually happens. So I hope everything goes a little smoother from now on because I dont think I can take the pressure of living two lives long-term. Met the YEC folks yesterday at Harbourfront centre for a meeting about our chalet. Planning is on going but I think it's going to turn out okay. It's on the 10th and 11th of December and if I'm not wrong, I'll be staying over both days and on the morning of the 12th, I'm flying off to Bangkok with my family. Another something I'm not really looking forward to because of the fragile relationship with my mum and me. Besides as much as I want to go on holiday, I just want the whole house to myself. I spent practically the entire day sleeping and now i have nothing to do. My life can be so boring sometimes.
I'm off to read a mag. Bye!
Lovelots.

Airporting.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I miss mugging. All the last minute mugging Rev and I used to do at the airport. How we knocked out solid one night and didn't get up until like 5 am only to have breakfast and leave for home. All the stories we shared in between our Statistics and World Wars as well as the countless number of happy meals we got. Rev went to the airport to study alone today. She texted me saying she saw someone who looked like Venu. I couldn't help but grin. My first smile for the day. My only smile today actually. I don't know if you can remember this Rev, but remember how I used to drag you out just so that we can watch the SIA girls? Haha. And how you'd wake me up if they sat down to eat at macs? Seems like so long ago. I never treasured these things then. Always dragging myself there knowing that I can only concentrate in a place that I really like. It was good fun and I hope that when if i start school coming April, it'll be back to the airport with Rev and her Anatomy with me and my Events management. Speaking of which, I have my interview in like 12 hours or so and I'm totally unprepared. But I don't feel a sense of panic. Yet. Maybe is because I managed to avoid V today? My mind feels at ease and I feel a little more brave. One step closer to finishing this off because something happens. Drama can be fun for a while but too much drama can kill. The more I fight with him, the closer I am to persuading him to willingly let me go. Which for now, seems almost impossible. Last night I gave him a scenario. "What if my dad finds out who I'm hanging out with and asks me to stop going out?". His reply? "I don't care even if you don't want me Ragini. I want you."
Now am I supposed to take this seriously or laugh it off?
So I'm a little stuck. But I'll find my way out. As always. Although I think this time I might have to act with more caution. Since they know where I stay, work and hang out, I might as well do things which will force him to let me go. At least that way I can't really be labelled the bitch. Life is all so sudden. At least I get this at 20. I don't think we have the liberty to engage in drama etc once we're in our mid-20s to 30s. Seriously, how flirty and fun can you be at 25? Haha. So yeah, i might as well act like a silly girl while I look the part. Womanhood can wait till I'm 30 or something. I'm not in a rush to give up my thoroughly unstable/scandalous/painful/imperfect/humourous/pampered/unprepared life for the woes of adulthood. As long as I can tell serious apart from fun, it's enough for the moment.
I have this sudden urge to party tonight cause it's ladies' night. I could. If I did To Do Lists, my ideal Wednesday the 11th of November 2009 list would look like this:

To do list:
<3 Text Reka to see if Ladies' night is feasible
:( Try to avoid V for day 2
<3Ace that interview so that I don't get shipped off to Australia
<3 Beat Logan in Daytona(cause the forfeit for the loser is a horrible one)
<3<3 Meet Arch and Reka tonight for coffee and confessions(our last session was WAY too long ago)
:( Only 1 Cancer stick today. 1.

I am So bored?

Goodnight World.

LoveLots.

This time a year back.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

To all our loved ones taking their A levels this year, Good luck! Study smart and drink Brand's. Don't sleep too late and set multiple alarms. When it's finally over on the 3rd of December, you're going to feel like nothing in this world can bring you down. Freak out in the 4 weeks to come cause in the months that will follow after A levels, you're going to wish you were back in school and struggling and freaking out.

I'm going to put up a random photo. Think it's very sweet. So yeah (:

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Big things happened. V and I went for dinner at 1am on the 7th of November and it literally ended in bloodshed. He was bleeding so bad and I was too shocked to react. Staring incident. I've never been involved in a fight before and it totally freaked me out. The police came down and took statements and all. The two of us still managed to laugh about it afterwards. Little did i know that it was going to get a lot worse when his friends found out. They're all absolutely unhappy with me. One of them even told me in my face that he wouldn't hesitate to slap me and ask me to fuck off. All this with me in the middle right opposite Aishu's block. I've never had a stronger urge to get up, and walk away from V's life for good. I'm not his kind of girl. He's not my kind of guy. Looking at it logically, we can't get along if I didn't give in. I always give in. I'm extremely patient these days thanks to him and his temper. So yesterday, after his friends were done playing mind games with me, I exploded. Nesh went on about how his 27year old girlfriend comes all the way from Pasir Ris to see him at TPY if she can't get him through the phone. I'm sorry but I'm not desperate. I can't do that for any guy and well, I won't. Simply because if I want, I can get someone who's willing to let me be the Alpha and doesn't mind sufferring as the Beta. But that'd make me exactly like him. Looking for someone to assert himself on. Seriously, men who hit women are cowards. You take it out on the physically weaker sex but you still need us by your side because we're the emotionally stronger ones. To Nesh's Wife-to-be, I feel sorry for you because you're a defeated woman. You're a disgrace to all women and Nesh did not make any sense to me when he brought you into the picture because frankly my dear, you don't have my respect. What Nesh tried to do was make me feel guilty. Honestly, I am guilty that V got into a fight because of me and well, for me in some sense. I'm upset because he got hurt and when I tried to get inbetween I got pushed aside by the guys. I feel like I was hopeless that night and it was in total my fault. I feel this way despite the fact that it was V's temper that drove him to punch the guy. Not my instigation. So in some sense, I'm absorbing the blame just to make him feel a little better. Yes, I try very hard to please him because I don't want to fight with him. Because I really care about him. I make me him happy because he thinks it weird and yet amzaing that I can smile my way through everything! Well, I used to be able to at least. I can't seem to look at him and smile genuinely now. I just can't. He begged me not to put up a false smile but I couldn't help it. He claims I'm punishing him. So be it. I've been punished enough for being myself. They can take the guilt around a while. Fighting with me is pointless because I don't argue without analysing the entire situation. Most of the time I'm just really quiet when I get yelled at but at the end, I finish the conversation. It's an Indian habit to immediately show your anger. Show it without thinking. Call me what you want to but I don't mind being the kind of person who thinks a thousand times before picking a fight. Why? Because I'm a human being and I have an ego. I don't want to lose. I hate losing. I'd rather avoid the fight then to get into it and lose. War, is never the solution to anything. All the wars that we've fought throughou history, from the Mughals to the Nazis have ended in bloodshed and unrest. Any of these wars proved either parties involved right or wrong? Nope. It instead, shows us the stronger party. The ones that have more will power to keep fighting for their rights while the weaker party waves the flag. For everything that happens, there's always a way around. Violence and verbal abuse are never the only choices. Yesterday ended with Nesh trying to suck up to me and in a way to V and well. I couldn't be bothered. We had to go pick his girlfriend from her house in pasir ris and then head back to tpy and make our way to my place. Sometimes, I pity V. Driving around is never easy and isn't always pleasant. On top of that, we keep having to pick up the damsel who's constantly in distress. Which is really frustrating because it doesn't make sense to try and pacify a 27 year old cow about silly things like Nesh not calling her every 5 minutes to tell her where he is etc. He's 24 and like me in a lot of ways. He hates losing but he loves a fight. He loves to nagnagnag without assessing the things he said. Honestly, I thought I was finished yesterday. I was starting to become very rude and was on the verge of throwing out everything I had to say. But I didn't. Only because he's very important to V. Way more important than I am to him. Nesh is also extremely witty. Sadly for him, my wit has no end either. I think in their world, they don't see many strong women. They see women who are uncultured and don't know how to carry themselves. They see women who are needy. The moment an independent girl comes along, they feel threatened. How to do you tie down someone who clearly has the upper hand? Time for Indian men to change thier mentality. Women are not your punching bags and baby making machines. You can throw old fashioned minds into the drain. I really like V but I'm going to set him an ultimatum simply because I can't keep being Little Miss Sunshine. Just 1 more incident, and I'm leaving. It's going to hurt but it won't hurt as much as how my pride and ego get hurt dealing with men who believe women are several steps below them. I think I've had enough of swalloing my pride. I can't pretend to not care. No one should. So girls, speak up. Don't let the men get away feeling satisfied. If he's asking you to change and mould to his liking, ask him to make love with play dough or something. I'm sure that'd be better because it's according to his preferrence.
I think I've ranted enough for now. I'm extremely sleepy so i'll blog again later tonight. I got this text from Singtel's Inspire me service this morning. I have a brain and a uterus and I used both. Nicer way of saying that men are pretty darn stupid with a brain and a dick anf still no control over either!

LoveLots

bound feet.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Why bound feet? Well, When someone tries so hard to be perfect, it's almost the same as them trying to bind their feet in order to achieve supposed perfection. Read up on your Chinese history. It's been ages since I've had proper internet time and surprise surprise, so many things have changed. The rant of perfection is still ongoing but something seems to have changed. Oh wait. It's the degree of childishness that seems to have increased! Haha. You know I hate being indirect and at the same time I'm forced to be because slander is against the law. Just like Oral sex and Chewing gum. So anyway, is this girl's route to perfection, she has decided to cut me off. I don't know why though. Not that I need her in my life or anything but it's just a little unsettling. Did you think that you could keep peaking at our blog pretending like you don't care when clearly you do? I think you've forgotten one aspect on your route towards perfection. Humility. Go figure.
So, I started the post with a rant. Haha. I miss blogging and yet I haven't had the discipline to sit my ass down and type away. Now that I've started, I think ranting is the rightful thing to do. I managed to get an interview with the Tourism Academy@Sentosa. Finally! I was so nervous that my picture didn't impress them.
By the way, they expect their applicants to look good. Not saying I'm that impressive. I'm just grateful they considered me. Interview's on the 11th which is like next Wednesday! I need to find something to wear! The worst part of it all. Sigh. If I ace this interview, I can apply for my scholarship with the Singapore Toursim Board which, will see me all the way through my education including my 1.5 business degree at NUS. Pray for me world. Haha. Okay I'm suddenly craving grapes! I'm going off to raid my fridge to see if my green grapes are still there! I SAW A SHOOTING STAR! I was too stunned to make a wish. Shoot me please.
LoveLots.