falling all over.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I'm falling. I think, in love and apart. I can't seem to get enough of him. He's hurt me so badly. And I feel like there's no way I can show my frustration. 3 nights ago, something big happened. Like really big. Lotsa words and well, lotsa action. Everything turned sour and I really thought that I'd lost him. I was scared, confused and in a whole lot of pain. Physical pain I can take but when it comes to the heart, my facade fades. I'm not that strong. Men normally make me feel invincible. But with him, I can't. I just can't feel so strong. I feel weak, incapable and needy. I hate fighting with him but somehow, I feel that in time to come, these fights will become the norm. Still, the thought makes me shudder. 2 nights ago, we cleared things after another heated argument. However, after he picked me up from work and sent me back, another argument arose. I got off the bike and looked him in the eye and asked him if he wanted this to end.
Silence.
I told him I couldn't take the fighting anymore and that I told him I didn't want this from the start. Now that we're so far into it, all this had to happen. It's like I asked for my heart to crash and burn. Love is not for me. I've told him that before. We're alike in many ways from our temper to our sense of humour and even taste in clothes. But this alikeness has finally showed it's ugly side. A man and a woman who have so much in common will never last. Never. So much ego, so much anger. I told him that night that I can't see any love in his eyes. Only hate and resentment. Even a touch of vengence somewhere. More silence. I thought it was the final goodbye. That we were not meant to come so far at all. But it wasn't. He softened. His face softened. I love the way his face softens. It makes him look like he's 20 and still optimistic about life. I adore everything about him. one of the major fights we had was because of this blog. I didn't want to view it with him. instead I asked him to view it himself. My mistake. He thought I had something to hide. Yes I admit i've taken out my frustrations here a lot but I've never said anything bad about him.
Not even once.
Because frankly, I feel like I can't do without him in my life for now. Now and the time to come.
LoveLots.
