proud to be, unhappy?
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I'm throughly unhappy with my life and myself. Through and through. I know no one can make me feel better and i don't seem to mind that anymore. Sometimes it feels like i'm some sort of mental patient. Like the kind that can't seem to figure out what's wrong with her. Vanitha told me just now that i don't deserve this and that i should let it go. She spent so much of time telling me despite knowing at i'll come crying back again and again and again. But as usual, I don't listen. Maybe I've offended her and i'm sorry Vanitha. I'm just as sorry Vithya because you try just as hard to keep me out of trouble but it just never seems to work ah. It's not them. It's all me. I don't understand the concept of living life the way the generations before have lived. I don't understand how i'm supposed to mature physically and emotionally. I don't think i'll ever get out of this phase actually. Someone once told me that they'd die if they heard things about themselves the way i did. But i'm still here? I don't feel any shame. No remorse. I feel hurt over insignificant things and people. Hurt= hurt to the ego. I'm always unhappy to have what i have. I question myself about the way i look,act or feel. The worst part of it all? I get jealous. Of everyone, everything. I get jealous because i want what they have. Know the saying, having everything but feeling like you have nothing? It's like i know and then i feel two totally opposing things. You know how Vithya and Vanitha always tell me I'm such a beautiful person? They're the only ones who do. Somehow no one else says things like that too me. Which is why no matter how much friction i have with these two, i tend to try to ease them quickly because i don't want to lose the only people who pamper my inflating ego. Although with Vanitha i take a little longer because the insulting has to die down first. Lol. But yeah, back to the point. She went off saying she felt sad for me. No one has ever said that to me. And now it's got me thinking. Maybe i'll go with the norm for once? Have a stable boyfriend, work and then hang out with friends. Look forward to university or something. I know it seems like something i'll never end up doing but i think i'll put my mind to it this time. I can try right? No harm trying to be normal? Why let drama come looking for you when you can end it all and lead a simple little life? What's the point of being some backstabbing bitch(which i am and you all know it so please dont pretend like you don't) and creating chaos everywhere? Being interesting and intriguing is no longer important. What's important is that people believe in you. As of now, i dont think anyone does and it's not surprising either. Haha. In any case, if anyone feels like talking to me after this post, please call/sms/msn with me. I could use the company. For someone with heck a lot of superficial friends and a small handful of real ones, i'm surprisingly lonely. I know it may seem like a joke to people when i say i want to be a little less weird and more normal but give me a chance man! I've been some bitch my whole life, i need time to become human. Haha! Okay now i'm just making a joke out of myself. Sorry Shanthini for dragging you into the drama on my blog. I've been a big bitch to you too btw and you know it. Try not to be so sweet to me. It might be good for you because i never repay kindness with kindness. The 2 Vs, stop sounding like you're giving up on me pleaseeeeeee! I'd feel lost if you guys didn't check up on me! It's a role reversal in our case you know. The teenagers advise the 20yr old on how she should handle her life. They can write a book about taming young adults. Lol. And i think Vanitha went offline because she was pissed at me. I hope you aren't! Really. I'll try to listen this time okay? I really will. My head's so heavy now. It's supposed to be light and clear. But it isn't. I'm off to start my long long weekend. Please God, make everything fall in place. By the way, the worst thing that happened to me this week was Jayam Ravi's wedding. Next thing you know they'll be saying Johnny Depp is gay or something. Okay okay i'm ranting. You know, ranting wouldn't be wrong, if your blog wasn't scrutinized all the freaking time. And Revethi, I totally share your views. Ronaldo is going to be another Becks. Kaka's going over to Real too. Now they like have a dream team or something. Oh wait, there can only be one dream team. Manchester United. Ronaldo leaving ManUtd will be the same as Beckham's departure. Insignificant after a few days. Do you think if Fergie felt like Ronaldo was such a big asset to the team, he would have let him go for 80million? It's because Fergie knows better players will come. They always do. He's being practical while Ronaldo is ruining it for himself. Beckham's pulling through with his Armani underwear commercials. Soon it'll be Ronaldo finding his fame fading. Which will be sad, because players who stay with Man Utd live forever. Just one of the perks of being loyal to a team that win or lose, always captures hearts. Night everyone!
LoveLots,
Ragini(:
